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it's here

March 9th, 2010 (07:57 am)

current mood: worried

The grey Wolfram was picked up last night. Took some time looking at eyes for him/her.

Then cradled him/her while I was lying down. It felt good.

Don't know gender or name but now it just sits with my stuffed Eeyore.

I've lost my imagination so dolls have stopped talking to me. I'm scared - I've always had my imagination, even when a tiny child. For it to be so utterly GONE is causing stress and anxiety, something I have to avoid as much as possible so I can get well physically.


Posted by: azraelita (azraelita)
Posted at: March 9th, 2010 05:58 pm (UTC)

I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

I feel sick and tired of my dolls sometimes too, so I just pack them away.

I think your creativity for dolls will return!

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 12th, 2010 12:30 pm (UTC)

Thanks. I hope I feel better soon, too.

My dolls are over at my folks' place so essentially they ARE packed away.

Posted by: lawless (lawless523)
Posted at: March 9th, 2010 07:44 pm (UTC)

It may well be all the pain, stress and anxiety that's blocking your access to your imagination. Maybe thinking of it as temporary writer's block will help.

I'm pulling for your condition and circumstances to improve so that everything else has the chance to come back into balance as well. At least now you're away from the smoke. That's a step in the right direction.

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 12th, 2010 12:31 pm (UTC)
Hands - Shuichi and Eiri

I hope it's the pain etc. and not an aftereffect of the Prednisone...

Thanks, L.

Posted by: kerikochan (kerikochan)
Posted at: March 9th, 2010 10:28 pm (UTC)

perhaps some good dolly time will help you out. I know not being around things I love makes me feel off kilter and generally unhappy.

I hope things get better for you and that you start to feel like yourself again soon. I'm hoping this is just a rut that will eventually end. *hugs*

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 12th, 2010 12:33 pm (UTC)

I sure wish some dolly time would help, but the other day when I held Chikara while over at my folks' place he was so quiet...

I've lost ALL my imagination - can't write or draw, either.

I hope getting better will bring things back for me.

Posted by: Details are my bitch. Pant for me bitches. (talonsage)
Posted at: March 13th, 2010 02:39 am (UTC)
no pants-unknown

I can at least reassure you that I've been there, and it will come back.

Honestly, I swear. It will. It's scary as FUCK...and it's like being sick in and of itself. But what I figured out is that all my resources were going towards healing and trying to get well.

There simply wasn't room for ANYTHING else.

It's still there. It's just resting, I swear it. I swear it on Sage. I couldn't escape when I was so sick I was in the hospital and that scared me about as much as the being so sick and no one knowing WHY I was so sick did.

It will come back. They're all still there. I repeat what you already know: it's scary as fuck but I swear it is temporary.

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 13th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
Hug - Eiri and Shuichi

*hugs you tightly and starts crying yet again*

I hope so, danglemate.

It's been another bad day...

Posted by: Details are my bitch. Pant for me bitches. (talonsage)
Posted at: March 13th, 2010 02:58 am (UTC)

Bad days SUCK.

I'm so sorry sweetheart. *hugs you tightly* But I know it will come back, and things will come out right.

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 13th, 2010 01:12 pm (UTC)
Glomp! - Ki and Chi

*hugs back*

Thanks for last night, danglemate.

Posted by: crystal_lilly (crystal_lilly)
Posted at: March 13th, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)

Hi. I know we don't talk a lot, but I'm a member of Red Shoelacers and I had noticed you weren't posting as much. I got curious and wanted to come see if everything was okay. Obviously, it's not.

I'm terribly sorry to see you're not well and spending so much time being sick and trying to recover. I hope everything goes smoothly and that you can regain your health.

I have a similar experience with losing my imagination/creativity when I struggled with depression. And for a while, nothing seemed to help. But it was a slow, gradual fight back into good mental health, and then my creativity came back. The first time I crocheted something and enjoyed it again nearly made me cry. So I can sympathize with what you're going through. Please have faith that your creativity will return. *nod* I'm wishing you all the best and a smooth, easy recovery.

As an aside: it's quite comforting to me to cuddle with a doll and a stuffed animal when I'm not feeling well. I'm glad you are still able to enjoy your new doll, even if he/she is not speaking at you right now.

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 13th, 2010 04:02 pm (UTC)
Thoughtful - Eiri

*starts misting up*

THANK you for your kind words. I suspect I have a touch of depression along with the anxiety and post-traumatic stress. I just don't want to take drugs (yet) if I can work through this. And a lot of it ties to the pain and numbness I'm experiencing. My physical health is tied to my mental health in this case.

And I'm so frustrated that I have all sorts of factors piled on top of each other that combine to make this one big crappy mess.

In hindsight, I should have kept eating no matter what - even while being smoked poisoned by the neighbors below, not stressed so hard about the move and all the problems THAT entailed (including throwing away 90% of my possessions, including all my different art supplies and almost all my finished artworks), and popped more vitamins even when every time I tried to swallow pills I'd choke and throw them back up, and not taken so much Prednisone so I would have been more aware of my back and perhaps not popped it so I wouldn't be half-numb on the lower half of my body and now on the right top side of my body, including my face now and yada yada more and more.

So I'm paying the piper.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Sorry I dumped on you.

Posted by: crystal_lilly (crystal_lilly)
Posted at: March 14th, 2010 07:06 pm (UTC)

Oh, no worries. Feel free to talk to me anytime, I don't mind.

I have often thought that mental health hooks into physical health, even in the tiniest of ways. If I'm stressed and I have a headache, it takes longer for the headache to go away. If I'm not stressed and have a headache, it doesn't seem to throb and ache as badly. I can't even imagine the vital ways right now that your mental health and physical health are feeding off each other and reverberating through you.

It's always hard to move, even when it is just a normal, packing up and moving to a different place situation. Your situation is so much more stressful than that. Then adding in the fact that you lost so many of your possessions... people say they can always start over, get new things, the material things matter the least as long as the people are still alive and well. But just because they say that doesn't mean you don't have the right to mourn the loss of your belongings. *nod* Don't feel bad because you're feeling bad about it. It's human nature. We get attached to normal belongings, and then even more so for the things that have sentimental or historical value. And then considering that some of them were artworks... well. All the artists I have ever known have put so much of their own selves into every piece of art they create: be it yarn or thread craft, be it writing, be it painting/drawing, be it quilting, whatever. An artist puts themselves into their art. No wonder it hurts so much to lose those things!! *hug*

I truly hope things improve for you. I sympathize totally with the pill issue. I have a weird mental block on swallowing pills. No matter how big or small the pill is, I struggle to swallow it. I understand that I swallow food that is larger than these pills, but still. It's just a psychological block that I have. So for my vitamins, I take the multi-vitamin gummy chewables from One-A-Day. (They honestly take and feel like gummy bears. No tangy vitamin aftertaste.) And because I suffer from a calcium deficiency, I spend a lot of money on Adora calcium supplements. It's calcium in a chocolate disk. Really. I get the dark chocolate kind (500mg each) and it tastes like I'm eating a Hershey dark chocolate mini-bar. *smile* For that, I will totally spend the money on them. Because I get what I need without the mental block on swallowing pills.

I'd be terrified if I started not being able to feel parts of my body. I'm just saying, I would be honestly terrified and probably not functioning very well. So, no matter how bad it is right now, I'm impressed that you're keeping together as well as you are. I'll really be thinking good thoughts for your health improvement.

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 15th, 2010 02:24 am (UTC)
Shuichi Sultry

I don't have problems taking drugs that work for me without me experiencing serious side-effects, like my back-specific muscle relaxer, or stuff for my arthritis.

I did lots of art and crafts. Pounds of quilting fabric was given away. Almost all my different patterns - historical clothing, crafting, quilting, regular clothing, etc. were given away. But the stuff went to people I know will use the stuff.

Ten bags of professional clothing with matching jewelry and shoes all went to a resale store where all the proceeds went to a battered women's center. Lots of other bags of clothing and other items went to Goodwill.

One of my doll friends took all my art supplies, a lot of craft books, etc. and have been passing them out to different places in her part of town, like a library that does different programs, a day-care center that got their art funding money cut, and places like that. I took a bunch of cross-stitch supplies to the nursing home where my grandmother lived the last few years of her life. So my hoarding has benefited some people.

I need to stop typing now - thinking about all this is making me stressful - I feel it clutching in my chest and it's tingling down my legs. I HATE this! I've NEVER been this way before! I want to get well NOW!

Thanks again for your support, and for the info about the Adora. My mother needs calcium supplements and she can't swallow pills, either.

Posted by: crystal_lilly (crystal_lilly)
Posted at: March 16th, 2010 01:51 am (UTC)

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry my comment upset you and reminded you about all those stressful things that you're trying not to think about. I sincerely apologize, it was not my intent at all to cause further pain.

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 16th, 2010 03:28 am (UTC)
Puki Love - Lani and Shuichi


It's not your fault - it's MINE for talking and thinking about it again. It's me being STUPID again. I'm really good at that lately.

If we had been actually talking I would have felt better but it's obvious I can't write about this without causing MYSELF trouble. So it's ALL MY FAULT!

I'm doing deep breathing at home and work now and it's helping. I thought I'd pretty much finished with the grazing diet then I realized it was not for hypoglycemia but to calm my adrenaline. My rheuma didn't tell me that but I'm reading up on foods to calm a person down and a lot of the food she told me to snack on is there. So I need to snack throughout the day even though I'm not really hungry anymore.

Two almonds work almost immediately at making me feel better and more calm. So does a small bite of string cheese.

I'm taking my back muscle relaxer again, too.


Posted by: crystal_lilly (crystal_lilly)
Posted at: March 17th, 2010 01:36 am (UTC)

Okay. *gentle hug* I think it really would be good to have a verbal conversation, where we could read voice cues and body language. I hope your friends and family are offering you that kind of support. I'm still sorry that you're stressed and not well, and I do wish you to be well as soon as possible.

As for calming foods, that's very interesting. I think I'll look that up too. Is it completely related to your adrenaline hormone levels or is it just a calming technique in general? I'm not sure if you've tried this (or had it recommended to you by any health professional) but scents are very powerful items to use. Find a scent that is calming to you, in an oil or a lotion or even a scent diffuser or incense. I enjoy a light jasmine scent as well as a citrus basil lotion someone gifted to me.

Scents can also be used as revitalizing or energizing tools (like mint oils wake me up very well as well as easing light headaches) so you definitely want to experiment to find the ones that are particularly soothing and calming to you personally. Each person has different associations with scents so it can be quite the variety, even among family.

PS: your Puki icon is adorable. ^___^

Posted by: onnas_baka_gaki (onnas_baka_gaki)
Posted at: March 18th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC)

Yeah, that was one of the few times Puki Lani was feeling affectionate to anyone. Everyone loves my Shuichi. Lani usually beats up on people. LOL! Especially her brother, Talon.

I purchased lavender oil and lavender spray last night. I have the oil here at the office and take a whiff when I feel that clenching chest feeling. It definitely helps.

I sprayed the pillow periodically last night each time I woke up to pee and it helped, too.

rat helped calm me down yesterday at work. I called him when I was feeling stressed about the chiropractor (who I KNOW will HELP me) and he remarked it's because I'm trying to get everything gathered together so the doc knows the whole story and so I don't miss any little detail that may help the doc - and he was right. I was able to let go a bit then.

rat has been a God-send. I love that man SO MUCH!

I DON'T want this issue. I want to temporarily turn off the adrenaline so my body can get back to normal and then turn it back on again and be back to where I was in November. But that's probably wishful thinking on my part, at least with what I'm doing now. I probably need to look into professional help of some kind - something I really don't have the money for at the moment. And while I have some free help through my health insurance, I don't want to start using it yet, not until I've tried my other options first.

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